Next monarch to be chosen by Tory party members

Although it has been assumed that the Queen's first son would become king when she died, the government has intervened to prevent the coronation taking place. Newsbiscuit understands the motivation behind this is that Charles environmental campaigning is at odds with the views of the cabinet's ERG nutters.

Instead, Mr Rees Mogg wants the constitution to be changed, so the next monarch is selected by Tory party members, which he claims did an excellent job in deciding who would replace Boris Johnson.

Buckingham Palace - Free photo on Pixabay

The Tory guide to saving water

1. First things first, get the gardener to put the cover on your pool when your not using it. During these hot days, you can prevent evaporation and save on heating. Its down to Labour education failings that pool management isn't taught in schools

2. Don't empty your Jacuzzi after use, let your servants have a go. Normally, of course, you'd instruct your man to drain and clean your Jacuzzi once you've finished but why not charge him a few quid for the honour to be allowed to use your water.

3. Use a hosepipe ban loophole. This is a clever plan, hosepipes are banned but a chain of lads with buckets is completely above board; get a few of the staff onto it.

4. Replace all your lawns and plants with plastic equivalents. Think about it; these don't need watering, cutting or pruning - so there's a saving on staff.

5. Spend the summer in your Swiss chalet. This is an obvious move, but needs some planning - you need to get the UK staff onto zero hours contracts so you don't waste money paying them when your not there. If you need extra staff out there, why not get them jobs as Ryanair cabin staff - then they can fly out for free.

Tory members dismayed as televised hi-vis and hard hat outfit round cancelled

Tory members have expressed their disappointment at Rishi Sunak and Liz Truss pulling out of the next round of the leadership contest – the hi-vis jacket and hard hat round. Excited members were expecting to tune into Sky to see the leadership hopefuls parade across the stage to determine who looks best, before being asked who they are, where they come from and what three wishes they have for the world.

“If the past few years have taught us anything, then it is a Prime Minister must be ready and willing to don a hi-vis jacket and hard hat for a photo opportunity at any moment,” one party member said. “It is important that when we deciding our new leader, we know that they look good in this outfit.” Another party member added: “We know Mordaunt and Tugendhat can do the military look, but what about the construction worker look? I was really looking forward to seeing them sashay across the stage, looking like a million dollars.”

The importance of the round was underlined when some MPs suggested that Jeremy Hunt’s early departure from the contest was due to concerns that he would look “like a little boy wearing his dad’s work clothes” if he made it through. One Truss campaigner said they had pulled out as “There were far too many questions being asked of the candidates. I mean, come on, if they have to keep answering questions, they might have to stick to something they have said,”

Construction Worker Man People - Free photo on Pixabay