Government consults on new ways to boost rail travel without actually asking anybody

The Government has launched cheap ticket offers in April and May to get a cash-strapped and covid-averse public back onto the trains and replacement buses. In the longer term, the Ministry of Going Nowhere will introduce a range of new railcards to boost train travel. These options will include:

The Hungry Traveller Railcard – this will give travellers 25% off on-train food, bringing the price of a Kit Kat back below a pound and an individual fruit pie back below five pounds. It will also offer discounts at some station concessions, including food and drink from the Real Cornish Pasty Company, the Continuity Cornish Pasty Co. and the Judean Popular Pasty Company, although pasties are excluded from the offer.

The Lucky Traveller Railcard – this is the railcard for passengers with a sense of adventure (beyond the usual uncertainties about whether the train will turn up). Railcard holders will be entered into an annual draw to win train tickets to iconic destinations, such as Wigan, Lympstone Commando, Kyle of Lochalsh and Worcester Parkway. Travellers will also receive scratchcards with prizes ranging from copies of the Metro newspaper, 10% off non-sale items at DFS, and commemorative toothpicks.

Over-90’s Rail Card – the Government aims to increase rail use in this age group, which has been in decline since the cancellation of the Red Star Parcels service. This will give travellers discounts on toilet facilities and will offer complementary Werthers Originals in first class. Special steam trains for rail card holders will have extra long station stops, extra loud on-train announcements and a ban on passengers aged under 42.

A spokesman for the Ministry of Going Nowhere said that the government is putting extra effort into boosting rail travel because railways are a critical part of national infrastructure and because, regardless of what you do for them, motorists and airline passengers just moan and moan and moan.

Image from Pixabay by cocoparisienne

Train driver dreams of one day becoming a 10-year-old boy

A train driver from Whitechapel in East London has told a local newspaper that his greatest wish is to be a 10-year-old boy.

Toby Dell, 54, told The East London Gazette: 'When I get home from my train driving job in the evenings I often start daydreaming about one day being 10-years-old.

'I imagine myself doing things like collecting conkers, scrumping apples, having wrestling matches with my dad in the back garden and pulling girls' ponytails in the classroom.

'When my wife's out shopping or visiting her sister, I put on a pair of tatty shorts along with a grubby white shirt and a poorly knotted stripey tie.

'I then go out in the street and kick a football around until it gets dark and I have to go home for my tea.

'I've been jeered at and even beaten up a few times but it's worth it to live my dream."

Mr Dell's revelation comes just two weeks after the current Miss World told Hello magazine that she regularly dreams of one day becoming a gawky, skinny teenager with glasses and braces on her teeth that can't get a boyfriend for love nor money.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/sklorg-5727401/

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Woman forgets to tell strangers she is vegan

Sandra Harris, 47, of West Bromwich has told of the shame and embarrassment she feels after not telling strangers she was vegan.

The incident occurred on the 10:26 train from Birmingham to Kings Cross on Thursday morning. The strangers, Kevin and Julie Young, were sitting opposite Ms Harris for the whole journey and not once did she give herself away or even preach at them.

'In a way, we feel cheated,' said Kevin. 'She wasn't dressed like a hippy. She didn't smell. She didn't tut or lecture us, not even when I offered her one of my Galaxy Minstrels. She just smiled and said, no thanks.'

Julie, told our reporter: 'I can't believe it. I even had a leather handbag. She was so nice. What's all that about? I mean, who does she think she is?'

A press release from the Vegan Society said that they were 'a little disappointed' by the actions of Ms Harris, but told us: 'there is no rule that we always have to annoy people in public.' Ms Harris had an altercation with a Costa Coffee employee at the station about soy milk to make up for it, but the damage had already been done.