Virgin Island candidates ‘Not sacrificial lambs, honest’ say C4

The candidates on Virgin Island – adults so introverted that they’ve made it well into adulthood without popping their cherries – have been told that after their televised deflowering they must take an exam without studying for it, queue in Tesco in their underwear and then run away from a predator through a viscous material so they can only run really slowly.

It’s all part of Channel 4’s Real Nightmares season, which aims to destroy the lives of ordinary people to help with the station’s mission of ‘increasing customer figures for dodgy online casinos’.

‘We’re proud of our work at Channel 4’, a spokesman told us. ‘We’ve always tested the boundaries. Currently we’re seeing how far we can go before the UN declares it an atrocity. It’s surely only a matter of time’.

In fairness, Channel 4’s lawyers vetoed falling from a great height and shark attack, though we suspect that’s more a question of ‘when’, not ‘if’.

Image: Pixabay/renateko

Trump Demands UK Reopens Slade Prison

In what his doctors are calling an Adderall™ assisted policy blitz, President Trump has written to Sir Keir Starmer insisting the UK supports his plan to reopen the notorious Alcatraz Prison by following suit with HMP Slade from classic sitcom Porridge.

Leaked emails from the West Wing to Downing Street say, 'A hard-line penitentiary in the wilds of Cumberland would be perfect for us both to use. I understand it's three weeks from Euston and contains some of the hardest prison officers your country ever produced.

The President does insist that Fletcher is pardoned, Harry Grout is transferred and that Mr Mackay is made Governor. Once this is done, he would like to see the facility during his state visit. In return, we welcome any of your staff to Alcatraz, one we have checked all its tunnels for traces of Sean Connery.'

When the UK government wrote back to explain the prison was a work of fiction created in the 1970s by Dick Clement and Ian La Frenais and that the President should read more, the Trump Administration replied, 'Donald Trump read a book once, green it was.'

Photo by Rodrigo Soares on Unsplash

TV Licence fee to be based on the size of your TV

A review of TV licensing has concluded that the only fair way to assess what the charge should be is to base it on the physical size of televisions. The Secretary of State for Square Eyes told Newsbiscuit that it’s obvious that people with large TVs are consuming more BBC output than people who have to watch it on their smartphones; and have devised a formula whereby the standard licence fee will only apply to smartphones; and all other fees will be based on a multiple of this, depending on the comparative multiple in area the TV screen is compared to a smartphone.

A BBC technology expert said "The BBC had been hoping to make this change for many years, but had to wait until the number of Smart TVs had reached an ownership threshold that enabled the BBC to be certain which size TVs households have, because without those TVs boasting how big they are via their inbuilt BigBruv™ transmitters, the lying bastards who own them would almost certainly pretend they only had smartphones, or Sinclair MTV-1 Micro TVs."

Some viewers believe they can outwit the system by sellotaping a sheet of cardboard over the TV screen with a smartphone-sized cutout, so they can get away with paying the lowest fee, but this has yet to be tested in court.

There is good news for pensioners with smartphones in that they can apply to be exempt from the smartphone TV licence, provided they complete a 240-page online application form, access to which requires completing a test that requires a knowledge of computer coding to prove they aren’t robots.

image from pixabay

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