Some war crimes are more 'crimey' than others

With alleged massacres in the Ukraine, the US was quick to label it a war crime, as it takes one to know one: 'Admittedly we've always said the ICC has no jurisdiction and we'd invade the Hague if they investigated our own war crimes, but you know...that was last year and...um...stuff...you know?' With none of the key members of the UN Security Council actual signatories to the ICC, it makes it a little hard to cry wolf when you have been called Wolfy McWolfFace. The US insisted: 'If it happens to white Christians, it's a crime. If it happens to brown folks, it's a reallocation of oil reserves'.

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Russian war-crimes "investigated by the wrong ICC"

A leading British news organisation has revealed that information about Russian war crimes in Ukraine has erroneously been forwarded to the International Cricket Council.

The initial investigation carried out by the Rules Committee lambasted both sides for the lack of an umpire, poorly marked and maintained wicket and out-field, and the deplorable lapse in approved Test attire. However, they have been highly complimentary about the running between creases and some of the fielding.

In a similar vein, footage of the recent Winter Tour has been handed over to the International Criminal Court for analysis, which has confirmed it to be both "International and Criminal". As a result, certain members of the England squad have been arrested and transferred to Den Haag to stand trial, with the Court also ordering the seizure of MCC assets for promoting such "cruel and barbaric practices".

When approached to comment on this story, a spokesman for the British Box Company tersely replied, "For fuck's sake - not again !" and slammed down the phone.

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