Poorest 50% of planet 'likely to achieve COP26 targets'

A report that the top 1% of earners are likely to exceed the COP26 climate targets has been countered by the observation that the 50% of the poorest people on the planet are 'very unlikely' to exceed emission limits is seen as progress.

'Clearly wealth is a barrier to achieving our goal of stopping climate change,' said a government spokesperson today, 'so if the government continues to ensure the majority of the UK has a declining income then we are likely to achieve the net zero targets earlier.

' Of course there will be the pesky 1% who are likely to increase their wealth through government contracts, but we can carbon offset them', continued the spokesperson. Or as the Prime Minister likes to refer to the pesky 1%..... us.''

Image: Pixabay:jodylehigh

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Wallet Inspectors to be nationalized

Having spent the last three decades working in the private sector, the UK Government has finally decided to renationalize the nation’s gullible. A Minister explained: ‘Too long has private industry exploited the vulnerable and that’s our job. Now, if you could just give me your bank details and passwords, we can really get this going’,

The job of a Wallet Inspector is to ensure that wallets are not over-filled with unnecessary banknotes and to save the public from the burden of cumbersome wealth. They work tirelessly across various sectors of the economy, particularly in the gambling industry and LBC Radio.

One successful Inspector, David Miliband (CEO of the charity International Rescue), welcomed the opportunity to double his $1m salary. A friend said: ‘David feels that profiting from charitable donations is just the start of something more ambitious and immoral’.

During Austerity, the UK’s Wallet Inspectors were particularly successful in closing down your village hospital, bailing out the banks with your money and removing the word ‘sucker’ from the dictionary. One Inspector commented: ‘It’s a free service. We provide the bait. The hook, the line and the sinker. All you need to do is sign right here. Don’t worry about the small print’.

A level grades to be replaced with assessment of wealth and colour of skin

Following the success of the teacher awarded grades for A levels this year, the government has decided to formalise the process and ditch exams completely.

'Exams have their place,' admitted one Minister today, 'but sometimes poor people pass them, and not only white poor people too. Not that we want to hold back talented, intelligent poor people, regardless of skin colour, but McDonald's needs competent managers and universities need white, upper-class students.'

A UCAS spokesperson confirmed that under the new scheme, there would still be places for ordinary students regardless of background, income or colour. Just not the best ones.