As Easter temperatures soar new report says Britain's seaside destinations are still shite

Despite the UK basking in balmy temperatures over Easter, a report has found the British seaside holiday is still completely shite.

The report concludes: ‘During Britain's annual two sunny days, media sources will often boast of temperatures “hotter and Marbella", as some kind of jingoistic justification Brits should eschew foreign destinations and opt for taking holidays at traditional seaside resorts. They are misguided.’

‘Imagine a pretty little beachside bistro in Portofino. Glamorous, sophisticated couples sit at tables eating lovingly created fish and pasta dishes while sipping delicious chilled local wines.’

‘A comparable experience in Skegness is more likely a fish and chip takeaway located on a traffic-clogged road, where one must jostle one’s way through hordes of brawling skinheads, singing football chants and throwing beer bottles at rival supporters.'

Nevertheless, feisty Gina Plopp, landlady of The Seaview B&B in Skegness (en suite rooms - tea & coffee making facilities), has hit back. ‘That report's nonsense. Britain’s seaside is the best place in the world for a holiday. There's donkey rides, candy floss, Punch and Judy for the kiddies and when it’s wet we got all-day Bingo.’

Met Office warns Britain to brace for freak fine weather event

The UK is being told to brace for the greatest freak weather event of 2022 – a day with no storm force winds, pelting rain or blizzards when people in some parts of the country may even get a glimpse of the sun.

"We are issuing a fine weather warning," said a Met Office spokesman, "because it may come as a severe shock to some people to go through a day in which trees are not blown across train tracks, roofs are not wrenched-off arenas, and millions of homes are not plunged into darkness by power cuts.

"Following Storms Dudley, Eunice and Franklin, we'll be calling this rare event "Fair Weather Anthea", and we predict it will happen sometime in the next month … or at least in the next year.

"It's an 'A' name because it'll be the first day of the year when the weather doesn't make you want to die, and it's named after TV's Anthea Turner because we forecast conditions will be pleasant, breezy and ever so slightly unexciting."

Chancellor Rishi Sunak will outline plans in parliament to mark the day by raising a new 'Fair Weather Tax' on households - a variant of the Treasury's lucrative 'Windfall Tax', which it raises on people who have had bits of their property ripped down by gale-force winds.

Water companies apologise for not announcing water shortages during recent fine weather

National water suppliers have apologised for not automatically announcing a water shortage this year. Companies have cited a software glitch as the cause for the delay in the usual round of water shortage scaremongering.

'The new system, linked directly to the Meteorological Office, is supposed to automatically release a press release announcing water shortages at the merest hint of sunshine - it’s a much cheaper way of saving water than mending leaking pipes,' said a spokesperson. 'Unfortunately, the threshold settings were set incorrectly this year, so the system didn’t work.'

The companies have embarked on a joint million-pound project to fix this problem, to be paid for by a rise in domestic water rates. 'A hike in your monthly water bill will ensure that future drought warnings will be bang on time. In fact we might even forecast one in time for Christmas, just to make up for this years failure.'