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Colin Stain is re-wilding his garden. That's what he told the council inspectors who came round to enforce the rules about looking after the house and not annoying the neighbours.
Colin says that he is very eco-conscious these days. He embraced no-mow May with enthusiasm and has since decided to make it a no-mow 2023. He is considering making nettle beer later in the year if he has a good harvest. Instead of taking his old mattress to the tip, he has decided to compost it at home. He says that the results so far are promising and he is pleased to have created a new habitat for the local wildlife.
The neighbours are less thrilled. Jez DeWitt lives next door and says that the Colin's wildlife is mostly just rats and the smell from Colin's newly created pond is a combination of manure and diesel, with a hint of old fish. He says, 'I'd like these Countryfile nerks to come round and find out what re-wilding actually smells like. That'd make 'em have second thoughts. It’s not a pond, it’s blocked drains.'
Colin also says he is re-wilding aluminium. He has three old supermarket trolleys and an impressive, if wobbly, pyramid of beer cans and meat pie trays. Colin is expecting to cash in, as 1000Kg of aluminium for re-wilding should be worth at least a bullseye and possibly a ton, apparently. He’s upped his intake of pies and beer to help him reach his target.
The council staff accepted Colin was making a genuine attempt at re-wilding. The 'wildflower meadow' was deemed acceptable and no worse than the roadside verges which the council don't bother to cut either these days. Composting the mattress was considered 'creative' although there will be an issue down the line with the metal springs. The inspectors took away a number of pungent smelling wild flowers for "further analysis and testing". The pong from the pond, however, was considered a nuisance and Colin has been given six months to sort it out.
The inspectors fined Jez £100 for putting glass recycling in the wrong bin and a further £100 for incorrectly sorting food waste and thereby encouraging rats and another £100 for parking on the pavement. Nobody likes a grass.
‘Thirty years ago the LibDems were a proper political party’ said Steve, a Liberal Democrat from Stoke. ‘People weren’t embarrassed to say they were LibDems. We had a decent number of MPs. I think we even had some policies. You could get laid – ok, we were 3rd choice but at least we were in the running’.
That all seems like a distant dream. Giant pandas have more sex than LibDems now – which is ironic, given that the cause of their demise was the colossal shafting which David Cameron gave to Nick Clegg over tuition fees. (The LibDems' demise, not the pandas).
‘We can’t bring back the good old days but we can teach Conservatives how to cling on to the wreckage’, said Steve. ‘Maybe one day they’ll seem relevant again’.
It’s hard to imagine a future world where Conservatism might seem relevant – unless you’re a dystopian novelist or a zombie fan - but Steve is upbeat.
‘We start by showing delegates how to apply for a job. In many cases it’s the first real job they’ll have had. We have to explain quite basic concepts, like turn up on time, don’t talk over the boss, don’t patronise, don’t shag everybody you see, produce some tangible output. That’s the hardest part, really. If you ask them to, I dunno, fix a toaster they’ll do jack shit and then tell you that their toasters are world-beating – when the bloody thing still doesn’t work. If “clueless fantasist” was an actual job this would be a lot easier.
'Resilience is important, too. We try to prepare them for anonymity – I know LibDems, ex-MPs, who can’t get automatic doors to open. They just stand there, waving, while normal people walk up and the doors open – it’s incredibly frustrating. You know how people in cars pick their noses because they think they’re invisible? Liberal Democrats actually are invisible – we could clean out our arse cracks on the high street without being spotted’.
Is there much demand for Steve’s services?
‘Not yet’, he tells us. ‘They imagine they’ll be able to get work with GB News. As if. One minute after the election that plug will be pulled. And those directorships only happen if there’s a possibility you might return and be able to repay the favour. It’s slow now but I think we’re going to be busy next year. Very busy. Now if I can only persuade this f*cking door to open so I can get in to the office . . . ‘
image from pixabay
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