New sun ray tax will restore nation's normal state of gloom

Old Whassname? You know, thingummy? The Chancellor of the Exchequer will be introducing a sun ray tax, to charge UK citizens for undeservedly high levels of wellbeing.

'Over the past month or so of warm weather,' said the grey blur of a chancellor, who will be gone by the end of the summer, 'none of you has needed to use your central heating.

"Also, a great many of you have walked or cycled to places so you can enjoy the sunshine, rather than driving - thereby saving on petrol.

"And all you freeloaders have been receiving free infusions of Vitamin D, rather than having to buy it as a dietary supplement from Boots.

"I have even been told by Treasury officials, who have been out spying on you all, that some of you have been dangling your bare feet over the banks of rivers in the countryside, looking at the clear blue sky and thinking that life isn't that bad, after all.

"This level of carefree contentment is unacceptable, since you are all meant to be living through the nastiest cost of living crisis in 50 years.

"Where the hell do you think you are? The Mediterranean? And don't you know it's only this sunny because of life-destroying global warming?

"We will now claw back all the money you thought you'd been saving, and pitch you all back into abject guilt and desperation, with our new Sun Ray Tax. It's a variation on the windfall taxes we impose on firms when they make undeservedly high profits.

"So just remember: if you are basking in the sun right now and feeling vaguely happy with life, we are sure as hell going to make you pay for it, Sunny Jim."

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/

Cost of living crisis - PM and Chancellor are both on the same page

It's being reported by Downing Street, that although the PM and the Chancellor had previously disagreed about a windfall tax on energy companies they are both now nearly on the same page.

Unfortunately, during their disagreement, the page got shredded. A team of forensic civil servants have been tasked with reassembling the pieces, hopefully in the correct order and it is hoped that by the time the work is completed, the nation will be able to afford to eat again and pay their bills.

When asked how long this would take, one of the civil servants told us "It's a laborious and painstaking job re-assembling shredded paper. Before we can get started on re-assembling the page, we have to pick out the pieces from all the other stuff in the shredder. It wouldn't have been so bad if the PM hadn't asked the Metropolitan police to hand the Partygate evidence over to him, now they've finished their inquiry."

Image: pixabay/Hans