In line with WTO rules, seasonal greetings like 'Seasonal Greetings' will be replaced with more common Yuletide language appropriate for the contemporary era. All mentions of 'Merry Christmas' must be overwritten with 'Yippee-ki-yay, motherf*cker', as this is now the more acceptable form of Yule wish.
'The classical masterpiece work 'Die Hard' is the global benchmark for all things Christmas,' explained festive season etiquette expert Joseph Takagi, father of five. 'Knobbing a work colleague on a fur rug in front of a log fire with a mulled wine and an aged Brie is only for cowardly members of the community who are of poor character. The more heroic way of proceeding is to write, 'Ho-Ho-Ho, now I have a machine gun' on a dead German, and send him to the 30th floor of a tall building as a surprise gift. Lashing an entire bag of C4 explosives to a computer monitor on an office chair and propelling it down a lift shaft is also acceptable.'
'If hosting your own celebration, the custom now is to greet approaching guests by shouting, 'Welcome to the party, pal' through a smashed window while wearing a sweaty vest.
'For the more discerning attendee, however, one should seek tailored Christmas costumes from John Phillips, London - it's where Arafat got his.
'To entertain young children, classic seasonal verse should be quoted to them. My personal favourite is, 'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring, except for the four assholes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two formation.'
'Take any opportunity to work in the line, 'When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer,' as this demonstrates the benefits of a classical education.
'And, of course, Don't forget to call your closest friend, and wish him well for the festive season by groaning the words, 'Actually, I'm feeling pretty damn unappreciated, Al.'
'If you find yourself fortunate enough to be abroad for the holidays, why not show gratitude towards your hosts by yelling, 'Schiess dem fenster'. Twice. A lovely gesture which translates as 'shit on the windows'.
'And any encounter of the written phrase 'Merry XXmas' must receive the immediate response of a shrug of the shoulders and the words, 'I don't know, something about a double-cross?'
MAKE FISTS WITH YOUR TOES.
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