<?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"?><rss xmlns:dc="http://purl.org/dc/elements/1.1/" xmlns:content="http://purl.org/rss/1.0/modules/content/" xmlns:atom="http://www.w3.org/2005/Atom" version="2.0"><channel><title><![CDATA[NewsBiscuit]]></title><description><![CDATA[We offer new and established satire writers the chance to submit their work, and have it published at www.newsbiscuit.com  ]]></description><link>https://www.newsbiscuit.com/all-news</link><generator>RSS for Node</generator><lastBuildDate>Wed, 22 Apr 2026 16:55:50 GMT</lastBuildDate><atom:link href="https://www.newsbiscuit.com/blog-feed.xml" rel="self" type="application/rss+xml"/><item><title><![CDATA[Elves and Goblins made me appoint Mandelson, says Starmer]]></title><description><![CDATA['I wish to inform the House that evil elves - a gang known as the Downing Street SPADs - put me under a spell and persuaded me that Mandelson should be our man in Washington,' a swivel-eyed Sir Keir Starmer told the Commons. 'Then they told the wicked goblins at the Foreign Office not to tell me the bleeding obvious - that he had come nowhere even close to passing security vetting. 'I know, it's incredible,' said Starmer, in response to howls of disbelief from across the chamber - including...]]></description><link>https://www.newsbiscuit.com/post/elves-and-goblins-made-me-appoint-mandelson-says-starmer</link><guid isPermaLink="false">69e7abda26bcdbcbc3d2ed19</guid><category><![CDATA[News in Brief]]></category><category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category><pubDate>Wed, 22 Apr 2026 14:00:20 GMT</pubDate><enclosure url="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/98cfeb_b2817ab0f2164a7796352e090b0a2c72~mv2.jpg/v1/fit/w_512,h_512,al_c,q_80/file.png" length="0" type="image/png"/><dc:creator>Jeremynh</dc:creator></item><item><title><![CDATA[Starmer saw, did &#38; understood nothing- so what's the point of him?]]></title><description><![CDATA[T he Prime Minister claimed the 'I know nothing, I'm a complete muppet' defense when explaining his incompetence to the House of Commons. Asked if he was aware that Mandelson had failed his vetting, the PM claimed not to know what a vet was. By his own admission, his only qualification for the most powerful job in Britain is that he is completely clueless and has slopier shoulders than a pencil. Suddenly his inability to prosecute Jimmy Saville and Prince Andrew start to make more sense when...]]></description><link>https://www.newsbiscuit.com/post/starmer-saw-did-understood-nothing-so-what-s-the-point-of-him</link><guid isPermaLink="false">69e7a8270294e8c3f3ee7312</guid><category><![CDATA[News in Brief]]></category><category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category><pubDate>Wed, 22 Apr 2026 11:00:14 GMT</pubDate><enclosure url="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/763384_87128c38d3a443acaa871f0cc86da326~mv2.jpg/v1/fit/w_1000,h_510,al_c,q_80/file.png" length="0" type="image/png"/><dc:creator>Wrenfoe</dc:creator></item><item><title><![CDATA["Zadok the Priest" in line for Ivor Novello award]]></title><description><![CDATA[George Frideric Handel could win a prestigious songwriting award, a mere 296 years after the song was released. The composer’s “Zadok the Priest”, written in 1727 for George IV’s coronation, has experienced a major resurgence in popularity, in the run up to Charles III’s coronation. It's now been shortlisted in the "most performed song" category at the Ivor Novello Awards, which celebrate outstanding writing and composition. Government Minister for Antediluvian Nostalgia, Jacob Rees-Mogg,...]]></description><link>https://www.newsbiscuit.com/post/zadok-the-priest-in-line-for-ivor-novello-award-1</link><guid isPermaLink="false">69a5f3eadbf20e87e61c0a4f</guid><category><![CDATA[From the Archive]]></category><pubDate>Wed, 22 Apr 2026 09:34:04 GMT</pubDate><enclosure url="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/121963_c8c0cb0667e747e0bb4a6ff7244219e1~mv2.jpg/v1/fit/w_640,h_428,al_c,q_80/file.png" length="0" type="image/png"/><dc:creator>hokeyloki</dc:creator></item><item><title><![CDATA[Trump sends out for more TACOs]]></title><description><![CDATA[.]]></description><link>https://www.newsbiscuit.com/post/trump-sends-out-for-more-tacos</link><guid isPermaLink="false">69e8841aa96d49e56ecaac5f</guid><category><![CDATA[Headlines]]></category><pubDate>Wed, 22 Apr 2026 08:18:14 GMT</pubDate><dc:creator>deskpilot</dc:creator></item><item><title><![CDATA[Number 10 dismisses claims of being dismissive ]]></title><description><![CDATA[.]]></description><link>https://www.newsbiscuit.com/post/number-10-dismisses-claims-of-being-dismissive</link><guid isPermaLink="false">69e883a1a96d49e56ecaab64</guid><category><![CDATA[Headlines]]></category><pubDate>Wed, 22 Apr 2026 08:16:25 GMT</pubDate><dc:creator>bigbadbob</dc:creator></item><item><title><![CDATA[Gap between reality and delusion named the Gulf of Trump ]]></title><description><![CDATA[.]]></description><link>https://www.newsbiscuit.com/post/gap-between-reality-and-delusion-named-the-gulf-of-trump</link><guid isPermaLink="false">69e88343bb1219c41f5c70ed</guid><category><![CDATA[Headlines]]></category><pubDate>Wed, 22 Apr 2026 08:14:56 GMT</pubDate><dc:creator>Rogerg</dc:creator></item><item><title><![CDATA[The curious child ]]></title><link>https://www.newsbiscuit.com/post/the-curious-child-3</link><guid isPermaLink="false">69e7bd770294e8c3f3eea391</guid><category><![CDATA[Cartoons]]></category><pubDate>Wed, 22 Apr 2026 06:20:04 GMT</pubDate><enclosure url="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/0f6213_58dbb3c649334859b0e4d73999570ad2~mv2.png/v1/fit/w_911,h_841,al_c,q_80/file.png" length="0" type="image/png"/><dc:creator>Lockjaw</dc:creator></item><item><title><![CDATA[And/or logic, as applied in politics ]]></title><link>https://www.newsbiscuit.com/post/and-or-logic-as-applied-in-politics</link><guid isPermaLink="false">69e7bcfc8b2f11ff8e59d8cc</guid><category><![CDATA[Cartoons]]></category><pubDate>Wed, 22 Apr 2026 06:15:04 GMT</pubDate><enclosure url="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/0f6213_132c740dad6f4cf7af5adfbed78043fa~mv2.png/v1/fit/w_708,h_551,al_c,q_80/file.png" length="0" type="image/png"/><dc:creator>ModelMaker</dc:creator></item><item><title><![CDATA[New era as Adam and Eve replace The Serpent as Apple boss]]></title><description><![CDATA[Adam and Eve, the current heads of the Garden of Eden shortly, will take over on 1 September and The Serpent will be cursed to crawl on its belly as executive chairman. The Serpent will stay as chief executive through the summer to work with Adam and Eve on the transition from nudity, to being fully clothed. After that it will "assist with certain aspects such as banishment from the garden, introducing death and manual labour". This follows months of speculation that the Apple comes from the...]]></description><link>https://www.newsbiscuit.com/post/new-era-as-adam-and-eve-replace-the-serpent-as-apple-boss</link><guid isPermaLink="false">69e7a9ab87a5c2e7c136e550</guid><category><![CDATA[Front Page]]></category><category><![CDATA[Science/Business]]></category><pubDate>Wed, 22 Apr 2026 06:00:11 GMT</pubDate><enclosure url="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/763384_b2313e0bee2f4de290574751655aa618~mv2.jpg/v1/fit/w_640,h_826,al_c,q_80/file.png" length="0" type="image/png"/><dc:creator>Ian Searle</dc:creator></item><item><title><![CDATA[Tufty Club offers safety tips for ships crossing the Strait of Hormuz]]></title><description><![CDATA[The International Maritime Organisation is bringing back Tufty the Squirrel to offer advice to ships' captains as they try and make it through the perilous Strait of Hormuz. "Look right, look left, then look right ahead," says the iconic cartoon character - the star of British TV road safety films in the 1960s and 1970s - in a series of recent Instagram posts. "Listen out for the sound of missiles or drones," continues the perky Tufty, "and always tell a grown-up where you're going. "But not...]]></description><link>https://www.newsbiscuit.com/post/tufty-club-offers-safety-tips-for-ships-crossing-the-strait-of-hormuz</link><guid isPermaLink="false">69e6aa6ba96d49e56ec66080</guid><category><![CDATA[News in Brief]]></category><category><![CDATA[Science/Business]]></category><pubDate>Tue, 21 Apr 2026 14:00:21 GMT</pubDate><enclosure url="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/9a055a_e00ad0ae51f9489e83f98f99b22f395c~mv2.jpg/v1/fit/w_768,h_401,al_c,q_80/file.png" length="0" type="image/png"/><dc:creator>Jeremynh</dc:creator></item><item><title><![CDATA[Malign influencers to be renamed effluencers ]]></title><description><![CDATA[.]]></description><link>https://www.newsbiscuit.com/post/malign-influencers-to-be-renamed-effluencers</link><guid isPermaLink="false">69e7808a8b2f11ff8e5949b8</guid><category><![CDATA[Headlines]]></category><pubDate>Tue, 21 Apr 2026 13:51:13 GMT</pubDate><dc:creator>Titus</dc:creator></item><item><title><![CDATA[The King: 'Mama is looking down on her peasants ... as do we]]></title><description><![CDATA[.]]></description><link>https://www.newsbiscuit.com/post/the-king-mama-is-looking-down-on-her-peasants-as-do-we</link><guid isPermaLink="false">69e758fe8b2f11ff8e58e844</guid><category><![CDATA[Headlines]]></category><pubDate>Tue, 21 Apr 2026 11:02:47 GMT</pubDate><dc:creator>tonymc</dc:creator></item><item><title><![CDATA[Reform to review all asylum claims since 1066]]></title><description><![CDATA[Should they win the next election anyone over 5.6ft or 35 years will be deported. Specifically the recent influx of Normans and their inability to integrate without shooting people in the eye. A spokeswoman said: 'The true English should be riddled with smallpox and live in a pigsty, with none of this newfangled clean water. And the average Brit is a peasant called Ethelbert.' Weeding out the pseudo-French may prove hard, given that Reform's leader is called Farage. However, the party is...]]></description><link>https://www.newsbiscuit.com/post/reform-to-review-all-asylum-claims-since-1066</link><guid isPermaLink="false">69e6a9070544c5fd867608ac</guid><category><![CDATA[News in Brief]]></category><category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category><pubDate>Tue, 21 Apr 2026 11:00:14 GMT</pubDate><enclosure url="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/fd0a28_dc3c44581edd49c3835952633ec8748c~mv2.png/v1/fit/w_376,h_422,al_c,q_80/file.png" length="0" type="image/png"/><dc:creator>Wrenfoe</dc:creator></item><item><title><![CDATA[Labour messaging stifled because Angela Rayner wouldn't share her Smarties in 1989]]></title><description><![CDATA[Keir Starmer is unable to get any political messaging across because The Waily Male is monopolising the news cycle with spurious accusations besmirching Labour politicians. Instead of being able to detail fiscal recovery plans, Starmer is left facing a barrage of irate questions about what Ed Miliband did to a puppy in 1993. 'We have installed an advanced system called Three Tombolas,' said a Lucky Dip contractor for The Male. 'The first one produces the name of a Labour politician. The...]]></description><link>https://www.newsbiscuit.com/post/labour-messaging-stifled-because-angela-rayner-wouldn-t-share-her-smarties-in-1989-1</link><guid isPermaLink="false">69a5f319fe2730c04134d812</guid><category><![CDATA[From the Archive]]></category><pubDate>Tue, 21 Apr 2026 09:31:06 GMT</pubDate><enclosure url="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/98cfeb_0c8885e3e9b14b6b8cab79f197cf5af5~mv2.jpg/v1/fit/w_640,h_427,al_c,q_80/file.png" length="0" type="image/png"/><dc:creator>Steveb</dc:creator></item><item><title><![CDATA[Gosh! Keir claims he is really angry! ]]></title><link>https://www.newsbiscuit.com/post/gosh-keir-claims-he-is-really-angry</link><guid isPermaLink="false">69e66d7a8e63193b95d379b3</guid><category><![CDATA[Cartoons]]></category><pubDate>Tue, 21 Apr 2026 06:20:07 GMT</pubDate><enclosure url="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/0f6213_98ae9063a2a748dba5d64263bfc78399~mv2.png/v1/fit/w_1000,h_1000,al_c,q_80/file.png" length="0" type="image/png"/><dc:creator>Lockjaw</dc:creator></item><item><title><![CDATA[Filling a need in the market ]]></title><link>https://www.newsbiscuit.com/post/filling-a-need-in-the-market</link><guid isPermaLink="false">69e66ce28c5d52014aa31f34</guid><category><![CDATA[Cartoons]]></category><pubDate>Tue, 21 Apr 2026 06:15:10 GMT</pubDate><enclosure url="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/0f6213_1f75e41f25c64a249a89351b6c006250~mv2.png/v1/fit/w_1000,h_1000,al_c,q_80/file.png" length="0" type="image/png"/><dc:creator>Lockjaw</dc:creator></item><item><title><![CDATA[Massive operation launched to rescue White House ballroom]]></title><description><![CDATA[More details have emerged of the huge mission undertaken to save President Trump's White House ballroom after the project was shot down. On the President's orders, thousands of lawyers were deployed across the country, issuing hundreds of writs to bring the ballroom back to life. 'We really flooded the zone with these legal eagles," one General Counsel told the press. "They've been hand picked by the our president for being maximum-strength grasping and unscrupulous, like him, and they...]]></description><link>https://www.newsbiscuit.com/post/massive-operation-launched-to-rescue-white-house-ballroom</link><guid isPermaLink="false">69e6af5ca96d49e56ec6695e</guid><category><![CDATA[Front Page]]></category><category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category><pubDate>Tue, 21 Apr 2026 06:00:13 GMT</pubDate><enclosure url="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/98cfeb_f0ccccf45ecb4e1fa12563e6e2067a04~mv2.jpg/v1/fit/w_640,h_426,al_c,q_80/file.png" length="0" type="image/png"/><dc:creator>Jeremynh</dc:creator></item><item><title><![CDATA[Abbott: Mandelson had to resign five times before, no, 300 times, no, 14 times]]></title><description><![CDATA[.]]></description><link>https://www.newsbiscuit.com/post/abbott-mandelson-had-to-resign-five-times-before-no-300-times-no-14-times</link><guid isPermaLink="false">69e669988c5d52014aa317aa</guid><category><![CDATA[Headlines]]></category><pubDate>Mon, 20 Apr 2026 18:00:59 GMT</pubDate><dc:creator>mcdabble</dc:creator></item><item><title><![CDATA[Lack of public toilets - public won't take it sitting down, and won't stand for it ]]></title><description><![CDATA[.]]></description><link>https://www.newsbiscuit.com/post/lack-of-public-toilets-public-won-t-take-it-sitting-down-and-won-t-stand-for-it</link><guid isPermaLink="false">69e65199247930afa8044879</guid><category><![CDATA[Headlines]]></category><pubDate>Mon, 20 Apr 2026 16:18:10 GMT</pubDate><dc:creator>Titus</dc:creator></item><item><title><![CDATA[UK Security Vetting 'unsurprised' Mandelson failed vetting]]></title><description><![CDATA['Quite honestly, we don't know what the furore is all about,' said a spokesman for the government agency.  'People, usually politicians but sometimes the offspring of KGB officers, are nominated for vetting all the time.  They always fail, it's always ignored,' he said, pointing out that practically every Conservative politician promoted to a sensitive role in the last fourteen years of Conservative government had an impression of being a 'tax dodging,  law breaking, corrupt piece of sh!t. ...]]></description><link>https://www.newsbiscuit.com/post/uk-security-vetting-unsurprised-mandelson-failed-vetting</link><guid isPermaLink="false">69e530070c8d230c9e932f76</guid><category><![CDATA[News in Brief]]></category><category><![CDATA[Politics]]></category><pubDate>Mon, 20 Apr 2026 14:00:25 GMT</pubDate><enclosure url="https://static.wixstatic.com/media/763384_097133a455924c06a0deb33ce1b7462d~mv2.jpg/v1/fit/w_851,h_510,al_c,q_80/file.png" length="0" type="image/png"/><dc:creator>Throngsman</dc:creator></item></channel></rss>