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99% of Jubilee will be speculation about the Queen's health

While Elizabeth II thinks her loyal subjects are celebrating her reign, the majority will be turning her impending death into an office sweepstake. With households replacing bunting with copies of a DNR order.

One Royal watcher confirmed: 'All conversations may start differently but they all end with 'she doesn't have long left'.' Bookies have ceased taking bets on when she will die, only how she will die - with Charles, in the ballroom with the candlestick 2/1.

Instead of the Red Arrows, vultures will fly overheard. The only pyrotechnics will be from the crematorium. And the trooping of the guard will feature a hearse, a floral tribute to 'Maj' and the biggest hole since Andrew's pizza alibi.


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