Centrists throughout Waitrose have agreed that the UK would be best served by skipping over the democracy part and returning to 2002. To facilitate the process, a handpicked team of moderates and celebrities will be asked to solve Brexit and ensure a steady flow of couscous.
A strategist explained: 'We're looking for the right degree of bland, Adele in floral print dress or Philip Schofield on a mountain bike. We don't want policies, we just want Ant & Dec licking a vanilla ice cream.
'Ideally a unifying figure. Maybe the reanimated corpse of Pickles the Dog clutching the Jules Rimet Trophy in his rictus grin? Prince Harry dressed as Nazi? Or Bucks Fizz ripping the dress off Jayne Torvill?
'We just need something to distract the voters from the fact we don't do voting anymore. How about the Queen skydiving at the Olympics - we were happy then, no one was poor - or no one that mattered.'
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