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  • Myke

Apollo 7 astronaut funeral was faked, say conspiracy theorists

NASA has denied claims that the last surviving Apollo 7 astronaut is alive and well and living with Elvis and Michael Jackson in a condo in Palm Springs. Walter Cunningham, the first orbiting astronaut to sing ‘Yummy, yummy, yummy, I've got love in my tummy’ while off his tits on acid, was forced to deny allegations that he isn’t dead.

Conspiracy nut spokesperson, Buddy Marylou Dingus Jnr III, told NewsBiscuit: ‘We have photographic evidence that astronauts are not real. If you look closely, you can see they’re made of cardboard. Them thar rootin-tootin sy-an-tists don’t know shit nor nuthin, and I got me a gun.’

The Apollo 7 crew were the first men to successfully dock and rendezvous in space, but the film footage of this encounter has never been made public. It is believed to be kept in a brown paper bag in a locked drawer at Cape Kennedy and can only be viewed at very special parties.

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