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Apple reduces bodily orifices down to one

Having phased out the redundant headphone socket, hardware designers have turned their attention to the outmoded bOdy 2.0. Removing all but the face aperture, Apple hopes that this slimmed-down version will simplify life choices - with the tag line ‘At last - every hole really is a goal’.

Apple users generally prefer a simpler interface and dislike having to customize sexual positions. Virtual assistant Siri will advise the user on when to alternate between ‘eating, shitting and shagging’; or will trigger all three simultaneously if engaged in German pornography. Having the ear and reproductive organ combined will have a negative impact on your sex life but what there is of it will sound great.

Taking the bold decision to ditch the traditional multi-socket anatomy, Apple say the new face will come with face recognition - except in the case of elderly relatives. Food will be decanted and faeces expelled from the same fissure, so no change for Boris Johnson. It still lacks the facility for external storage, so most decomposing food will be stored in the bOwel or aRse cAvity. Said one Apple developer: ‘The only hole we won’t be removing in the one in our tax returns’.

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