Office lothario Henry Evans has discovered a foolproof technique for appreciating the beauty of female co-workers without prompting a call from HR. "The method is so simple, I'm surprised no-one has thought of it before," Henry tells us. "You want to start by maintaining eye-contact. This gives the impression that you're sincerely listening to what she has to say. Then, mid-way through the conversation, you just drop your gaze into her cleavage. It's all about timing. You don't want to loiter there; after a few minutes, she's bound to notice."
Henry explains the fascinating science behind his discovery.
"You see, women's eyes process things slower than males; they work at about 50 fps whereas males work at 100 fps. That means that she won't notice your gaze dribbling down her chest like a lascivious slug, even if you're standing right in front of her. Women only see black and white, which prevents—wait, that might be dogs actually."
Evans' insights offer much-needed guidance to many men who are struggling to navigate the minefield of office etiquette in a post-MeToo era. He wants men to know that the playful female objectification of yore does not need to disappear completely.
"This has been a process of trial and error," Henry tells us. "There are a few rookie mistakes that might give you away. Squeezing your hands at chest height and screaming "HONKA-HONKA" is not as inconspicuous as one might think. Nor is ejecting your eyes from your skull and yelling "AWOOGA" at the sight of a shapely rear. Females typically react unfavourably to this."
The women of the office were unavailable for comment. I think they were, anyway. One was wearing a red bra.
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