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At least they stopped calling me Keith, says Sir Kid Starver

Friends of Keir Starmer have hailed his new rebrand as a triumph for 'sensible' politics and rickets. Having dismissed any pledge to tackle child poverty, Sir Keir went on to say he would happily strangle puppies provided Twitter stops calling him Keith.

An aide commented: 'When Thatcher got labelled a milk snatcher, it didn't hurt her image - everyone already thought she was Satan incarnate. Keir's biggest problem is being called boring, so killing kids should make him a real Edge Lord.'

The aide insisted that kids dying of malnutrition was a load of fuss about nothing. 'The simplest way for a child to avoid poverty is to purchase shares in the NHS, once we've finished privatising it.'

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