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Athletes are just super-hot people who can run fast

Disguised under the pretext of a kit launch, Britain’s athletes took time out of their busy schedule - of avoiding drug tests - to show off more bulging pectorals than a Zac Efron calendar. Oiled like David Cameron speech, Team GB flaunted their toned physiques and their inability to retain fat.

A lascivious team coach explained: ‘It’s about raising the profile of British shagability. Anyone can run fast, but not everyone can wear skin-tight synthetic fabric and look good. We’ve just got to be wary of injuries – mainly wrist related among the viewing public.’

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