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Being raised by wolves will raise exam results

Speaking to journalists the Education Secretary explained that leaving a seven-year-old alone in a forest for a week, is not only character building, but also replaces school meals with hunter/gathering. ‘Every child deserves the opportunity to be raised by wolves or at the very least to be taught algebra by a badger.’

‘If you discount the PM, the UK is lagging behind on child-abandonment league tables. This is a return to the same traditional Grammar school values that helped Hansel and Gretel to become prepared for type 2 diabetes and a pensioner killing-spree. And who cares about SATs if you are being chased by a bear.’

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