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Besieged Ukrainian Townspeople to Hold Vigil For Bruce Willis

The people of the war-torn town of Mariupol in eastern Ukraine are preparing to hold a candlelit vigil this evening as a mark of respect for stricken Hollywood star, Bruce Willis, who has been forced into retirement due to a brain condition.

One woman who has been trapped in a basement for thirty-six days with her small child after Russian shelling reduced her home to rubble, emerged to tell a BBC reporter: 'It's been a tough time for all of us, to be honest, but we couldn't just cower amongst the debris of our former homes while Bruce Willis is reduced to wandering around his palatial Beverly Hills residence not knowing if he wants a shit or a haircut.

'The whole town will be turning out tonight as a mark of our respect, curfew or no curfew.

'If we get killed then so be it. At least we'll have given our lives in a worthy cause.

'Many of my friends and neighbours in the basement are distraught about this one and if it wasn't for the fact that Meatloaf and the drummer out of the Foo Fighters are still hale and hearty I could see many of them going over the edge.'

Bruce Willis appeared in a number of highly successful movies, many of which featured the star clinging to the fuselage of various aircraft in an oil-stained vest wearing a sardonic grin. A spokesman for Mr Willis said 'Yippee-kay-ay'.

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