Technical experts have revealed that Boris Johnson’s old phone might be a nuclear weapon, or possibly a device which squirts Ebola virus into the air when you switch it on.
‘Anything could happen’, said one expert. ‘Maybe it was made with alien technology. I mean, it looks like an iPhone but you can’t be too careful’.
A recent planning application shows an ‘underground extension’ to Downing Street which would include a ‘nuclear blast containment centre’. If planning permission is granted – the Council have been told there’s ‘no great rush’ – it could take up to twenty years to build a suitable containment facility.
‘Look, I’m as keen as everybody else to comply with the court and release those WhatsApp messages’ said Rishi Sunak. ‘But they only exist on the one phone because, erm, that’s how messaging works. So we’ll just have to wait for everything to be made safe and hope nobody accidentally flushes it down the . . . . oops, butterfingers!’
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