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Boris Johnson’s six point plan to end Ukraine crisis in full

1. Boney M’s ‘Rasputin’ to be banned from all UK radio stations

2. Beef Stroganoff to be removed from the House of Commons canteen

3. A complete cultural boycott of Russian touring artists (with exceptions for hot female violinists who for some reason find an overweight, shop soiled Furby in human form inexplicably attractive)

4. Liz Truss to be despatched to Moscow in a different ethnic Russian costume each week until Putin gets fed up

5. Roman Abramovich to be limited to owning no more than five diamond encrusted helicopters, while his super yacht must be permanently moored in Weston Super Mare

6. All donations to the Conservative Party from Russian oligarchs to be paid back immediately. Except there haven’t been any, honest. Stop playing politics, let’s move on etc.

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