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Boris Johnson to adopt cunning strategy of telling truth

Changing strategies, Boris Johnson will now tell the truth about all the rules and laws broken by his constant lockdown raving, before moonwalking out of the Commons, shouting ‘party at mine later’.

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers said ‘Everyone assumes Boris is always lying, so if he tells the truth people will assume that is a lie too and he'll get away with it. Let lying dogs sleep, and all that'.

After a recent 1922 Committee meeting – so named for when its attitudes date from – Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said ‘Boris came in to the work meeting with a 4 pack of Fosters, and ripped off his trousers like Bucks Fizz, revealing a posing pouch bejewelled with the letters BJ. He said “These are both my initials and a suggestion. Anyway, you want my truth? You can’t handle my truth. And by my truth, I mean my penis.”’

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