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Boris ‘playing 4-D Eurovision chess’

Boris Johnson has been unmasked as the brilliant architect of a secret 20-year plan to win Eurovision.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst was one of the few aides in the know ‘Boris was a massive fan of 2003's nul pointers Jemini. Boris knew we needed a comeback story so first he had to make all of Europe hate us. Hence Brexit. Then he had to make Europe feel sorry for us, by making life excruciatingly miserable here. Hence Brexit, austerity, NHS underfunding, corruption, racism, Covid contracts, partygate and Priti Patel in general. Lastly, he needed a villain, so Boris took dodgy Russian money for the Tories and laundered more through London. Next year sympathy for Ukraine will be down and Britannia will rule the sound waves.’

‘Clearly, Cheryl Baker’s skirt being whipped off had quite the effect on the young Boris.’

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