Updated: Jun 21, 2022
As its userbase enters middle age and incontinence becomes a greater challenge, the makers of Call of Duty have announced a significant upgrade to the game.
‘Our core users have always been men who enjoy warfare but are too scared to actually join the army. Unfortunately they’re getting older and we wanted to reflect the realities of life more accurately’, said a spokesman.
Instead of missions to rescue hostages and kill foreigners, players will now face scenarios involving making a presentation the morning after a vindaloo and fourteen pints of Guinness in a conference centre with only one toilet. Players will have to use a combination of map-reading, martial arts skills and queue-jumping to take a dump before their character reaches ‘Code Brown’.
Other scenarios include surveillance operations prior to a Tinder date with a woman whose photo is clearly fifteen years out of date. Players have to time their Viagra usage expertly, aborting if the date is a grade 3 or 4 minger.
‘The old scenarios were, frankly, a bit daft’ said the spokesman. ‘We think that middle-aged men will be able to relate to the new scenarios. My fave is the one in IKEA where you have to give your guard the slip, bypass bedroom furniture, evade the one-way system and make it to the café before the meatballs run out. After practising online for a few hours I was able to do it in real life.
‘Let’s face it, middle-age life is shit. If we can make circling the plughole seem like an adventure, that’s a result, isn’t it?’