Capitalising on Sir David Amess' death to be privatised

Updated: 4 days ago



Figures show that by 2024, 80% of all shameless ghouls will have cashed in on the MPs murder. This includes ministers forcing through legislation that had nothing to do with his death while trying to sell terrorist-themed travel mugs and mouse mats.

Explained one MP: 'If you have a pet project, now is the time to piggyback on this awful incident. I want more chopped cabbage, so I'll be introducing 'David's Slaw'. A colleague is concerned about arthritic hands, so will propose 'David's Claw'. Another is an advocate for more pelvic exercises, 'David's Floor'.

Even his beloved Southend claimed that what he wanted was for it to be given city status, but an actual friend replied: 'Actually David would have preferred not to have been killed'.