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Captain of the Titanic joins the race to become next PM

‘This is not about rearranging the deckchairs,’ said Captain Edward John Smith at a fringe meeting of Tory MPs last night. ‘We need stability at the centre of government, and I’m the only candidate with the necessary experience at this level to deliver it,’ he added.

The captain said he had been asked to throw his lifejacket into the ring after meeting Sir Graham Brady, leader of the highly influential and top-secret 1922 committee.

‘Sir Graham, who is happy changing party rules at the drop of a hat, told me he is keen to attract floating voters' bellowed an emotional Captain Smith. ‘On previous sinking ships under my command, third class passengers were locked below decks. This was to prevent them from claiming non-essential benefits such as fresh air and the right to a place on a lifeboat. Fortunately, they are no icebergs in Westminster, apart from the lettuces in the local cash & carry. I fully intend to give these a wide berth if at all possible.’

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