In a desperate attempt to avoid having to confirm either Zippy or Bungle as Britain’s next PM, the Queen has launched a spirited game of hide, seek and off with their heads. Initially thought to have fled to Balmoral and barricaded the doors with Chippendale armoires and garlic, this ‘Queen’ is now believed to be a decoy, constructed from an ermine shellsuit stuffed with locally-hunted haggis, and a wig of offcuts from Princess Anne’s mane.
‘The big regret of Her Majesty’s reign was being caught by Boris Johnson in the 2019 season finale of Channel 4’s ‘Hunted’,’ advised a Palace official. ‘Thinking she’d be safe in the Royal kitchen’s walk-in dormouse charcuterie fridge, she is determined to guard against similar rookie mistakes.’
With the whereabouts of the real Queen currently unknown, unconfirmed sightings include Loch Ness, Daniel Craig’s sock drawer, and the moral high ground. Pizza Express Woking’s open invitation has so far not been taken up.
Official advice for any member of the public happening across a small, determined headscarf-clad great grandmother digging pit-traps around Conservative Party Headquarters and muttering about Cromwell, is to: ‘reverse away slowly, never turning your back, or you’ll discover why that’s Royal protocol’.