In a leaked transcript of the latest Tory Cabinet meeting, it appears chaos and confusion ensued when ministers found Matt Hancock already seated at the table, despite him resigning last week
'Hi guys,' he said to his dumbfounded former colleagues. 'God, it’s great to be back. That break was just what I needed, but here I am refreshed and ready to tackle this ruddy pandemic, if you’ll pardon my French!'
Silence fell on the room, as Mr Hancock continued to grin and look desperately at the Prime Minister.
It was Michael Gove who broke the silence, saying: 'But, Matt, you resigned as a minister, you resigned from the Cabinet.'
'Oh, that! Well, it’s been a fair few days now, surely that whole affair has blown over now, no pun intended,” Mr Hancock said. “I mean it’s not as though you had to sack me, not really. And Boris, you said in your letter that my contribution to public service was far from over.'
The entire Cabinet turned to Boris Johnson. 'Well? What do you think big man? Rishi Sunak asked.
Mr Johnson responded by saying: 'Oh, err, crikey,' before going on to repeat a number of comments about the vaccine rollout and Latin phrases.
Sajid Javid reportedly lost his cool at this point. 'Oh for god’s sake! I had to wait over a year to come back to the front bench,' he shouted. 'Are you seriously thinking of letting this moron back in after just a week? I resigned on principle, he resigned as he had become a bloody laughing stock.'
'Steady on Saj, no hard feelings,' said Hancock.
What Mr Javid said in reply has not been redacted but led to him being physically restrained by Dominic Raab. 'Leave it, he’s not worth it Saj,' Mr Raab said, as at the same time Gavin Williamson and Robert Jendrick stood in front of Hancock and told Javid 'he would have to come through us first.' The rest of the Cabinet took sides and began squaring off and shouting at each other.
'Enough, Priti Patel said very quietly, and despite the shouting she was immediately heard. All members of the Cabinet instantly froze.
Mrs Patel led Mr Hancock into the corner and whispered some unknown words into his ear whilst making a few hand gestures. 'Am I understood?' she asked at the end, and a terrified Mr Hancock nodded quickly before collecting his things and scurrying out of the room.
The meeting then resumed and took its normal self-congratulatory course.
Mr Hancock’s current whereabouts are unknown.