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Chocolate bars aren’t smaller, we’re just fatter

Manufacturers have dismissed claims that confectionery favourites have shrunk, explaining that anything would look small in our 'big fat, sausage fingers'. The Office for National Statistics concluded that 2,500 products that were previously thought to be subject to shrinkflation, were simply 'further away' than first thought.

Said one food scientist: 'It's all about perspective. This packet of Maltesers looks relatively small next to the UK's diabetic crisis. Now lets compare it to the clown's pocket that is Boris Johnson's mouth - see, it now looks as teensy as the UK's economic growth.'

Some insist that Toblerone's mountains have shrunk by 12%, but others attribute that to strip-mining and rising sea levels. Likewise, underpants which were thought to be shrinking, have in fact remained constant in girth; while the average UK waist has expanded faster than a case of botulism at Glastonbury

True enough, squeezing six fun-size Mars Bars into your bloated face will make them look miniscule, while also providing years of Freudian analysis. The ONS suggests: 'If you can measure the distance between your sofa and fridge in inches rather than feet, then your chocolate bars are not small enough.'

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