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Civil Service accused of bullying ministers

Speaking from an abandoned fairground where he has just been arrested for dressing up as a ghost, Prime Minister (yes, really) Rishi Sunak has spoken out against ‘pesky’ civil servants ruining things.

‘It’s a conspiracy’, he said. ‘Left to our own devices Conservative ministers would have governed wisely. The small boats crisis would never have happened – we didn’t want to prevent asylum-seekers from filing their claims abroad. The civil service made us.

‘As for the NHS – God, I wish they hadn’t made us underfund it. And those PPE contracts! I wanted them to go to proper companies but the civil servants assured me that we should go for ‘mates rates’ and insisted that each minister should pick an old school chum. Poor Matt didn’t have any chums so he had to go with his pub landlord’.

Home Secretary Suella Braverman (yes, really) spoke out about the “evil” Rwanda policy. ‘I wanted to put them up somewhere nice, process their claims efficiently and give them all a hug. You should hear the stories – absolutely tragic’, she told reporters. ‘But those civil servants insisted on a policy of scaring them away. That’s why the Prime Minister has been dressing up as a ghost and patrolling the beach at Dover’.

The latest victim is Dominic Raab, a workaholic Mensa member who had offered to personally fly to Afghanistan to save British interpreters, armed only with his karate skills and rapier wit, only to find his plans derailed by civil servants who tied his shoelaces together and then closed the sea, effectively trapping him on a sunlounger in Crete. Raab has now been forced to resign in the latest hostile move, leaving the Justice Department without the benefit of his efficiency, empathy and charm.

It's clear that the Civil Service doesn’t deserve our votes at the next General Election. We urge readers to vote for a political party instead. Our thoughts and prayers are with Dominic Raab’s ego, which has shrunk to the size of Belgium. God Bless you, Dom!

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