‘Crime levels down for fourth consecutive month’ boasts Priti Patel

The daily number of crimes committed by people across the UK has fallen for the fourth month in a row revealed Home Secretary Priti Patel. Both petty crime and organised crime are now at their lowest level since records began.

Figures show that since emergency switchboard operators were told not to answer any incoming calls the number of reported crimes has fallen dramatically. Other initiatives have also helped in seeing crime levels fall.

Police officers have been told they must not leave the police station at any time and all squad cars must be immobilised as a precaution against attending a crime scene.

But PM Boris Johnson has urged people to remain cautious saying that despite the encouraging statistics the fight against crime is not over. The latest figures do not include the days since lockdown restrictions were lifted but the PM did not think this would make the slightest bit of difference.

‘We have asked all police officers to cover their ears and sing lalalalala very loudly. This should prevent any chance of them hearing such things as a burglar or car alarm or screams for help from a stab victim’ said the PM

By ignoring reports of criminal activity the UK is now the safest place in the world.

Not one crime has been recorded since mid July which shows our policy of putting our fingers in our ears is working.

And at no extra cost to the taxpayer.

Those who try to report crimes are “selfish” and would be barred from some future events like shopping, leaving the house or visiting loved ones.

Plans to introduce a crime passport to show that a person has not reported a crime for over seven consecutive days have been criticised by Labour who say it will lead to a two-tier justice system and would hit the poorest in society the hardest.

Boris Johnson - using a comedy umbrella as yet another another blindingly obvious distraction technique - simply raised his thumbs and smirked.

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