Updated: Jan 6
Sharp spikes in the emissions of poisonous, hateful radiation were detected after two large piles of Daily Mail newspapers were inadvertently stored too close together. More widespread damage was fortuitously prevented by lead-based paint on the walls of the room in which the excess of evil was accidentally assembled. This paint predated political correctness going completely mad.
Nuclear technician Jodie Johnstone said 'The concentration of BBC bashing was too great and resulted in an inferno of intolerance. I blame Muslims, Meghan and the gay couple on Strictly...oh no, I've been contaminated too. Tell my family I love them almost as much as Princess Kate's new look.'