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Downing Street hosepipes to be on all fuc*ing summer

With hosepipe bans in place and others on the way across the UK as the country experiences drought conditions. Those who don’t comply could face fines of up to £1,000.

In line with Downing Street’s adherence to other laws and regulations, water will be pumping out of Number 10’s hosepipes as long as a ban is in place.

'Yeah, fuck all that,' said Boris Johnson, who turned on seven hosepipes and three sprinkler systems at Number 10 before buggering off on holiday.

'All the Downing Street aides are thrilled because I’ve told them to have at it with the paddling pool. And the household staff are under strict instructions to water all the plants with a hose every single day – even the indoor ones.

“The Downing Street garden will be turned into a swamp while the rest of the country burns – if you’ve got a problem with that, call the fucking pigs!

“Oh, you don’t need to because they’re already posted on the front door. And guess what? They don’t give a shit.

'If you think I’ve behaved inappropriately then get Sue Gray to conduct an investigation. I’ll be long gone by the time she’s finished and I’ll just be able to claim that Liz Truss flooded the premises while trying to make ice cubes. Admit it - that’s totally believable.'

Former Chancellor Rishi Sunak said, “This is exactly the sort of unethical behaviour that forced me to resign. Still, we don’t have to worry about all that now.”

With that, he reached for a hosepipe and added some water to his whiskey.

story: chrisballard



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