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Dr Who is a woman so it’s a life of crime for me, says boy, 8

Future criminal Oscar Oldroyd is 8 years old and confirmed his intention to live a life filled with villainy and heinous deeds because Dr Who is a played by a woman.

‘Dr Who is at least 900 years old and from the planet Gallifrey. I know it’s a story though.’ said Oldroyd, thus demonstrating a greater understanding of the difference between fact and fiction that most Tory Culture Secretaries.

The news that Dr Who is a fictional immigrant rather than a real one is thought to have turned Priti Patel into whatever the opposite of a weeping angel is.

Oldroyd continued ‘However, the Doctor is played by Jodie Whittaker and it could even be another woman next. As a result I’ve got no alternative but to grow up and steal from grannies on pension day, just to sustain the cocaine habit I’ll develop working as a merchant banker and later a Tory MP and later a disgraced Tory MP. If Matt Smith or David Tenant were still doing it, I’d be on a righteous path - it’s unfortunate but there it is. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to practice being a sexist pig. I've got work to do unless I want my crime as organised as Boris Johnson's haircut. It’s a good job that there aren’t any toxic masculine role models in the highest echelons of British politics, otherwise I’d really be in trouble.’

When asked what he’d like from Santa, Oldroyd said simply ‘A shiv.’

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