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Emergency services on standby as Walsall woman is about to explode

The West Midlands has been placed on high alert in preparation for the anticipated explosion of a middle-aged woman from Walsall, which it is feared may cause serious damage to the surrounding area.

High pressure began to build inside 45-year-old Laura Boyle during the early hours of this morning, when she was kept awake for hours by her husband’s deliberate snoring. Laura’s inner tension increased substantially when she got up and went to make a cup of coffee, and discovered someone had drunk all the milk and put the empty carton back in the fridge.

Pressure rose even further when Laura was unable to charge her laptop for work because her husband had hidden the charger. She was then subjected to more stress in the bathroom, as someone had left an empty toilet roll on the holder, and she was unexpectedly scalded in the shower when her daughter flushed the downstairs loo.

After sitting on a slice of toast and jam her son had left on a chair, then falling over a pair of his trainers on the stairs, Laura reached boiling point. She was barely able to contain herself when her mother rang a few minutes later to deliver a long and pointless monologue, which resulted in Laura being late leaving for work.

It is feared that following a difficult journey beset with road works and @rseholes who should learn how to drive, Laura will finally explode when she gets to work and discovers that Big Brenda has called in sick again, doubling Laura’s workload. Fallout from the blast is expected to be significant, covering most of the West Midlands.

We tried to contact Laura’s husband for comment, but were unable to reach him. He is apparently totally oblivious of his wife’s dangerous condition, as he’s busy listening to a football podcast with his headphones on.

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