top of page

Employees who murder their boss 'more likely to be promoted'

Killing your boss may be a better career move than sucking up to him, a new study by a leading recruitment think tank claims. 'Anyone seriously interested in advancing their career should be investing in a meat cleaver or a length of lead piping,' said Glen Pattison of Recruitment Strategies Institute. An ounce of blunt instrument is worth a ton of hard work and sycophancy.'

Office manager Greg Linney, 38, of Northampton, agrees as his career is flying and his obnoxious ex-team leader is now encased in concrete under his patio. 'Laughing at his jokes and letting him win at golf just wasn't working out,' said Linney 'so I invited him back to my place 'for a few cans' and I haven't looked back since. Before I knew it I'd got his job and his nice office, away from that annoying hum of the printer.'

Meanwhile, Rob Peasley of Leicester considers himself 'the Ted Bundy of career advancement'. Having killed and dismembered two of his superiors in the NHS trust where he worked, he was later snapped up by a leading IT company. However, he warned that getting to the top is much harder in the private sector. 'I had to hold my new boss's head under water for a lot longer - they have that survival instinct you'd don't find in the pampered nationalised industries,' he explained.

For people who feel squeamish about committing homicide for the sake of a salary increase, Pattison advised them to spend four to six hours per day playing bloodthirsty video games to desensitise themselves. 'When I started work here, I was barely able to swat a fly. But after staying up all night playing Decapitation Derby in my basement for six months, I soon made short work of my annoying prat of a supervisor. I still use his left testicle as a paperweight.'

Image: 3237357Pixabay

0 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Using its billionaire dollar empire, Facebook intends to purchase creative ownership of large portions of the English language and a significant portion of the air you breathe. A Facebook executive e

Disguised under the pretext of a kit launch, Britain’s athletes took time out of their busy schedule - of avoiding drug tests - to show off more bulging pectorals than a Zac Efron calendar. Oiled lik

Data suggests a sharp decline in moronic decisions from Saturday to Sunday, leading to unsustainable levels of happiness throughout the nation and the accusation that the Government are only 'part-tim

bottom of page