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England, Northern Ireland and Wales cedes to Scotland

Following frank and open discussions between London and the SNP, it has been agreed that Britain will be dismantled and absorbed into a devolved Scotland. The Prime Minister stressed that this would allow him to maintain his commitment to keeping the UK together but also honouring his pledge for a more independent Scotland.

A spokeswoman for the Prime Minister explained: ‘Scotland will be the most powerful devolved parliament in the world; and quite frankly we want to be part of that. North of the border they have a strong majority, a landscape brimming with huntable wildlife and not a Labour MP in sight. Why wouldn’t we want to join?’

An SNP spokesperson said: ‘Obviously, any re branding of Scotland needs to reflect these newly acquired regions and our ties to the monarchy. Some kind of Kingdom, maybe? A United one?’

They added: ‘But what about this area north of Carlisle? It seems terribly cold and wet. I also hear that it has high mortality rates, a pension time-bomb and only one good football team. Can’t we just get rid of that bit and keep the rest?’

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