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English must get rid of all vowels by 2025, UN orders

Scientists at the United Nations climate laboratory have discovered that the expulsion of breath needed for uttering vowel sounds is pumping a billion tons of carbon into the atmosphere every year. "A, E, I, O and U are luxuries we can no longer afford", a government spokesman confirms. "Britain will be a cleaner and quieter place without them". A hotline is already being set up for people to inform on each other to the language police.

The Archbishop of Canterbury has given his approval to the new law, saying we have a Christian duty to protect the planet from climate change. "I realise the coming age of phonetic austerity will be troubling and disorienting for many", he concedes. "Ant and Dec will become Nt and Dc. The AA and EU will disappear entirely and may have to be replaced with hand signals. I know that is tough, but where am I going to live if the icecaps melt and Lambeth Palace ends up under water?"

However, the Daily Telegraph believes this is a nefarious plot to erase Britain's precious class distinctions and wreck what's left of the nation. The new law will lead to some "disastrous social gaffes", it warns: "When you can't hear their vowels, how can you even tell the difference between a duchess and a cockney fishwife?"

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