Following the shaming of Ollie Robinson for a series of tweets he wrote as a teenager, the entire England cricket squad has been arraigned and convicted at Marylebone Magistrates Court for obscene acts in public.
"Never in my life have I come across such shameful public exhibitions as the ones of which you are guilty," said stipendiary magistrate Wilbur Cocklecarrot, swallowing back some vomit in his throat.
"Your performances over the past year at Lords, Headingley, Trent Bridge and Old Trafford have been sickening for the general public to watch and you should all be utterly ashamed of yourselves."
Sentencing was adjourned until the end of the current test series against New Zealand, in which the England XI are expected to carry on outraging onlookers with a further string of disgraceful displays.
"I would advise the England XI to refrain from any further public exposure," continued Cocklecarrot, "and instead stay on the boundary making daisy chains. I would imagine that making 'daisy chains' is something they are naturally good at."