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  • Writer's pictureSully

Every Christmas to be 'saved' by Boris ad infinitum

Downing Street insiders have confirmed that Britain is to be subjected to an avoidable crisis every Autumn so that Boris can continue to 'save' Christmas for the nation.

"It's a new Christmas tradition", explained a Conservative spokesman. "The Victorians gave us trees, holly, carol-singing, child poverty and prostitution. The modern Conservative Party has added Boris Rescue to the traditions, while continuing with trees, holly, carol-singing, child poverty and prostitution.

"Boris and Father Christmas are already confused in people's minds. We've developed artwork for a Santa with unruly blond hair and an erection. Instead of leaving mince pies and carrots by the fireplace we're asking people to leave their teenage daughters. Could Boris impregnate them all in one night? Possibly - it's only be a slight increase on his usual pace".

Children will continue to write letters to Santa, though instead of toys they should ask for food.

Next year's crisis is still at the planning stage. Civil servants are drawing up plans to have all the turkeys abducted, though they would welcome suggestions from the public.

"The ideal crisis is something entirely foreseeable and manageable, which we can somehow make 1,000% worse through a combination of poor communication and ministerial cretinism", the spokesman explained. "It's an inversion of the traditional role of government, which hitherto has been to make things better for the nation".

News editors have welcomed the plan, as it will relieve the tedium of having to make up a headline once a year.

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