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FA inquiry over before it starts

Several ex-judges have already pre-emptively resigned before they could be asked to join the inquiry – exiting faster than Tottenham from the Champion’s League. Excuses range from ‘preferring cricket’, a conflict of ‘lack of interest’ or already in the process of quitting from another abuse inquiry.

Mass resignations are now the hallmark of any UK inquiry, which are ultimately more cost efficient than actually doing anything. Remarked one QC: ‘It’s a faff creating the illusion of justice. Basically we’re like an Arsenal title-run – it starts full of impetus but by Xmas half the team have gone missing and everyone is chanting for a change of manager.’

An FA spokeswoman explained: ‘We’re going to offer a full and frank cover-up. No stone will be left unturned and then hidden in a filing cabinet. Any inquiry will be as thorough as our background checks on England Managers’.

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