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Financial Conduct Authority: 'We should apologise to the banks'

Rather than challenge the culture of the city of London, the FCA is said to favour offering brokers candle-lit meals, a shoulder rub and unlimited access to everyone's savings. A representative explained: 'If you think about it, the public are to blame. You agreed to a mortgage on their terms. You were wearing low-cut interest rates. And when things got out of hand you didn't fight back. Capitalism is all about consent. You may have said no to unsecured loans, but we all know that means yes.'

This now leaves the financial sector more room to self-regulate, which has been so successful in other industries - given that the press never hack your phone, football owners are always fit-and-proper and Donald Trump knows when to shut the f@ck up.

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