Someone found out there was a thing called a Labour Party Conference taking place. But it was completely accidental and only when their usual Brighton hotel shagpit was double booked as a storage room for sixty boxes of hard-hitting misspelled leaflets.
Hot on the case of what this mysterious event was all about, we sent an undercover investigative journalist to infiltrate the conference. Using a secret code developed at Luton College of Strings and Things, this report was filed hidden in a series of beautifully crafted but highly inedible angel cakes. Many Bothans completely survived unscathed to bring us this information:
Apparently, the first rule of Labour Party Conference is that you don't talk about Labour Party Conference. The second rule of Labour Party Conference is that it's probably OK to talk about Labour Party Conference because most people zone out the moment they hear the word Labour. The third rule of Labour Party Conference is that you wedge an axe through the handles of the double doors, and ignore the very existence of the general voting public outside and everything they think.
It appears to be profoundly important that Labour people have this massive pointless slagging match, until there is just one husk of a person left standing. It is then the job of that one bedraggled person to oppose government, get the last feeble Labour message out to the entire UK public, and somehow convince voters that Labour still exist as a political entity come the next election.
But rather than use their last remaining energy to hold the Conservative Party to account, the eighty third rule of Labour Party Conference is that the last person standing has to argue against themselves about whether they should argue against themselves.
On the face of it, it seems like an awful lot of effort for no gain whatsoever. But leading left wing strategists have strokeybeard hypothesised that this might be an extremely clever way of absolutely ensuring that the Labour Party always takes an insignificant position on anything voters might be interested in.
Whatever you do, don't tell anyone this. Or do. Makes no odds either way.