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Football transfer gossip to replace actual football

An internal Celestial Sports memo is to recommmend they stop showing actual football to focus solely on football transfers and gossip.

The memo read: 'Live football involves not one but two continuous 45 minute segments where we cannot show ads for gambling apps and Ray Winstone's disembodied head is not happy. We also can't show pointless countdowns to things or shots of footballers getting into or out of expensive cars. Or former professional players rehashing old grudges and failing to provide even basic analysis.'

'Transfer gossip provides fans with hope. Actual matches only prove that hope was misguided. Additionally, every penny Saudi Arabia spends on transfers for Newcastle United is a penny they aren't using to behead journalists, oppress women and silence critics of the regime.'

'The only potential downside is more airtime for Robbie Savage.'

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