Government admits future of country depends on John Lewis Christmas Advert

The prime-minister has admitted that unless John Lewis come up with a stunning Christmas advert this year, the country is going to collapse.


"Frankly, I've had quite an attractive offer from Rwanda to buy the country outright and bearing mind the NHS, immigration, climate, inflation and fuel crises, if we don't get something up to the level of Monty the Penguin, I'm minded to accept. The Rwandan deal has the advantage of diffusing the "send refugees to Rwanda" controversy as technically everyone in the UK would actually be in Rwanda."


Kier Starmer has criticised the government dependency on John Lewis.


"This is ridiculous; the government has to take more action than simply hoping that John Lewis come up with spiffing advert. I can tell you that Labour would also press Marks & Spencer to come up with a good one and we're in close negotiations with the Cadbury's gorilla."



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