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Government hatches plan to put an end to free range toddlers

The UK intends to lead the world in intensive battery raised toddlers. The Education Minister explained: 'Each toddler, up to the age of 4, will be in connecting cages sharing common divider walls. There will be a grain feeder above their heads and a conveyor belt beneath, to remove soiled nappies.

'Yes, there will be some inevitable problems with flies and the odd incident of cannibalism,' she conceded. 'But for the most part the threat of maceration by the high-speed grinder should keep the little darlings in check.

'Parents can also recoup some of the childcare costs by enrolling their son or daughter on our chimney cleaning initiative. What we have learnt from decades of Tory policy in relation to the hospitals, job centres, graveyards or even football stadiums – packing them in is always the safest policy.

'Too many parents are struggling and quite frankly, we need the eggs.'


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