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Government to set fire to immigrants as best deterrent to people smugglers who've already been paid

Following the complete collapse of the rendition to Rwanda wheeze, the cleverest people in the land who really know what they are doing have hastily announced a new flagship immigration policy. A government spokesperson explained, 'What we need to do is get on and lash immigrants to stakes all along the Kent coast and set fire to them. That will send a clear message to people smugglers and they will all stop what they are doing immediately.'

European, American, Asian and African leaders wiped the vomit from their chins and responded with the strongest condemnation of the latest UK government immigration policy. 'I have never heard of such cruelty,' said Vladimir Putin. 'And this from the country which itself acknowledged human rights in 1215, specifically stating that incarceration of people offshore must cease immediately.'

An experienced people smuggler from the trafficking industry confirmed, 'Setting fire to immigrants who have already paid us to traffic them to Britain doesn't appear to cost us very much. Our consultancy firm based in London has looked at the numbers, and it seems like we can continue to smuggle people sustainably to the UK from everywhere for the next 86 years.

'Now I think about it, because the UK government has never even tried anything realistic to disrupt our continental operations, it might be worthwhile upping our numbers for maximum profitability while the going is so good. I should send Boris Johnson and Priti Patel a thank you note for assisting us; our operatives in the English Channel have reported that night time smuggling has suddenly become much easier, although have expressed concern for the new zero targets.

'However, I must say that we are disappointed that the flights to Rwanda thing didn't work. It would have given us the opportunity to traffic them back to Britain again.'

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