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Government to target victims of violent crime

Prime Minister Boris Johnson has promised to target victims of violent crime in an effort to make UK neighbourhoods a safer place to live. The government has said that victims of knife crime and gunshot wounds will be tagged once they are discharged from hospital and anyone who has suffered physical violence will be ordered to stay at home so that local police officers can monitor their location at all times. Victims of burglary will have their remaining possessions confiscated so that they cannot be burgled again and anyone involved in an alcohol-related crime will have their Nectar points taken away.

‘The easiest way to tackle crime is to take potential victims off the street’ said the PM ‘this means anyone walking the street is clearly up to no good…..whether they be a career criminal, an opportunist thief or a member of an organised crime gang…they will be easier to identify by their freedom to come and go as they please. We are aiming for a 100% anti-victim tolerance victim of crime will be safe on our streets.'

Drug dealers will be forced to make home deliveries, making it easier for police to identify and prosecute drug users. Social behaviour will not be tolerated. All future bus shelters would come pre-vandalised, councils would be asked to scatter used syringes and broken glass around playgrounds to deter kiddies from playing on the swings and any remaining youth club would be forced to close although this last initiative has probably already happened.

Victims of on-line fraud and confidence tricksters would also be targeted by new legislation now going through parliament with some having their computers and mobile phones confiscated so that it could not happen again.

However, the PM was quick to assure close friends and family that the awarding of eye-watering contracts for doing nothing in return would largely be unaffected as it was not actually a crime.

Schoolchildren are particularly vulnerable to criminal activity and bullying on their way to school every day. So the answer to that particular problem is obvious……..I don’t think I need explain it to you do I? I have already notified our developer friends in the building industry about what will happen next. They have already donated millions to party coffers and we haven't even closed our first playgroup yet'.

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