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GP appointment system made “online only” to deter pensioners

The NHS announced today that from now on, it will only be possible to book an appointment with your GP via their website.

This measure is intended to deter pensioners, who currently take up the majority of their GPs’ time despite there being basically nothing wrong with them.

”They just want to complain about the aches and pains that come with getting old, when there’s nothing we can do beyond giving them an aspirin,” explained one harassed GP. “Or to moan about how things aren’t what they used to be, or that the new vicar’s very young…

”One even demanded an urgent appointment to tell me about the memory problems she’d told me about the day before.

“Meanwhile, if you’re under 50 and genuinely ill, we can probably fit you in next April.”

Additional measures will be added to filter out those few pensioners who can use the internet, such as the requirement to name a social media platform or K-pop band.

Asked for a comment, a pensioner told us in great detail about her grandson’s new job, despite our obvious lack of interest.

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