A lifelong bachelor from Speke who has spent his life savings attending major golf tournaments throughout Europe and America, solely so he can shout "Get in the hole!" after every single shot, is to receive a special award from the Professional Golfers Association.
"We have seen for ourselves the sacrifices this annoying little twerp has made, and the bruises he has borne, to contribute to the spectacle of our wonderful sport," said a spokesman for the PGA.
"These bruises have been occasioned by fellow spectators kicking him in the shins, and in the seat of his pants, after hearing the same moronic outburst for the thousandth time that day."
"I don't mind suffering for my bantz," said the moron in question, with a dead-behind-the-eyes grin on his face.
"It means I get heard by millions of TV viewers all over the world, and I bet they just love hearing the same stupid utterance, over and over again. Some people, who I have driven to distraction, have threatened to kill me if I don't shut up.
"But them's the breaks if you are half-cut on lager and determined to draw attention to yourself."
"A dozen times over the past year, this obnoxious little Scouser has blurted out his rubbish during my downswing, causing me to fluff my drive," said a professional golfer. "That's lost me over $100,000 in prize money.
"But I believe he's going to be in hospital for the next few months and, in a funny sort of a way, I guess I'll miss him."
"The exasperating Scouse git will be given his award behind the clubhouse of the Royal and Ancient," said the PGA spokesman, "when this year's Open winner will ceremonially insert a four-iron up his butt to the accompanying roar of 'Get in the hole!' from every other professional golfer in the world."